I am a yeller. You know, one of those moms who yells a lot.
I never used to be. I used to be calm, patient ... kind. I used to reteach my children over and over. I used to explain in a loving, gentle tone.
I remember the year I started yelling. I remember the guilt and anguish I felt. I thought I was a horrible person ... the worst mom in the world. I had become 'one of those angry moms' that I never wanted to be. You know, the ones who you see at the store who scowl and growl at their kids instead of holding their hands and kissing them on top of their heads.
It was the year my oldest turned four. She was okay (we used to laugh that we did good on the first one!). But our two-year-old son was a nightmare. That kid was into everything. He was the one you read about that would stick shit in the light sockets. I also had two BIG dogs. One of which should have been on ADHD meds. Plus, our precious, beautiful, brown-eyed third born, turned into a 'hell-on-wheels' one-year-old.
I only yelled occasionally at first. It was so rare and I was so ashamed that I never talked about it.
Well ... another kid and years later ... it's all out there. When we have date night and talk about our little assholes, I'm no longer ashamed to admit that yelling is a natural way of life most days in our house.
UNTIL now. Ugh. I gave up yelling for Lent. Seriously, who has to give up yelling for Lent??? Yep- me!
This picture reminds me of my early yelling days. It's a perfect example of how Facebook is NOT reality. I posted this amazing Easter Egg picture years ago ... and I'm sure everyone looked at it and probably thought, "What an amazing mom! She dyes eggs with her kids. They are so happy!"Reality: I had just lost my shit. They were all touching and pushing and messing up a perfectly good 'moment'. Damn. Why do kids do this? Ha! They do it because they are kids! And that whole 'picture perfect moment' DOES.NOT.EXIST! There are only perfect mili-seconds scrambled into the crazy reality of parenting.
So, back to NOT yelling for Lent. It has been almost two weeks now. I have not lost my shit once. No adult temper tantrum. No slamming doors. No throwing objects. I have made it almost TWO WHOLE weeks. It's so sad that I'm actually really proud of this!
Yay, me! Right?!?! Well, last night I was very honest with my kids that I was about to BLOW! But, alas, I did not.
These last two weeks, I have felt sensitive, sad and a little vulnerable. Not in a bad way. In a BIG feeling kind of way. You see, I have big, enormous emotions ... that have to come out somehow. And when I took out the anger, irritation and 'quick-to-temper' feelings, I was exposed.
In the last two weeks, I have had more meaningful conversations with my children. I have sat down and played more. I have listened without judgment. I have been patient (though through gritting teeth occasionally). I have been grateful.
More than anything, these last two weeks have reminded me how much I love my little assholes. And, that saying, 'You always hurt the ones you love' ... well, it should be burned. Why do we hurt those we love the most? Why do we use up all our patience on people that we don't spend the most time with. Why do we take for granted that the people closest and dearest to us might not always be around.
There you have it! You now know I'm a crazy-ass yeller (or was until two weeks ago)! You know that I lose my shit regularly (Lord help me these next four weeks of Lent!). You know that I call my children 'Little Assholes' (in the most loving way possible!).
You know that I am imperfectly perfect! And I am finally okay with that! What's my saying?!?! Oh yeah, 'It's Okay'!
Whatever struggles you are having, I'm sending good vibes your way. Know that you are loved and cared for by so many. Open yourself up to feel that love. Be vulnerable. Be exposed! Go forth and love big. It might hurt at first- but it'll be worth it in the end!
Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.
Visit www.itsokaybooks.com to learn more!
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