"
Always and
never are two words you should
always remember
never to use." -Wendell Johnson
The two little words, 'always' and 'never', can get you into a LOT of trouble. Especially since it is quite rare that things are
always or
never occurring.
It's Okay: Let's Get Real About This Thing We Call Marriage is in the works. One of the points to ponder starting the book is 'Fight Fair'.
It's critical to realize that there WILL be disagreements, squabbles and most definitely fights in a marriage! While this is a given, it doesn't mean that we throw punches below the belt or fight in a way that is unfair to our spouse.
As a disclaimer, #marriagemonday and the 'it's okay' philosophy is meant for healthy marriages that undergo normal struggles. If you are in an abusive relationship or unsafe environment, you are encouraged to seek professional assistance, as you do not deserve to be dealing with these situations alone.
On to 'fighting fair'! What exactly does this mean? To start with, you should avoid the two nasty accusations of "always" and "never". Happy Lists at
happylists.wordpress.com had a great list of 37 Rules to Fighting Fair that couldn't go unshared.
DO:
1. Deal with the Here and Now. What is the specific problem right now? Anything older than 24 hours is garbage, so no garbage-dumping!
2. Take responsibility. Use “I” statements as a way to show you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions.
3. Be direct and honest about your feelings and what you want.
4. Listen and hear! Try to deal with the other
person’s perceptions of the situation as well as your own. Be aware of
his/her feelings as well as your own. Check to see whether what you
heard is really what the other person is trying to express, and ask him
to let you know what she hears you saying.
5. Give the other person equal time. Both people need to express their feelings and points of view to create a full mutual understanding.
6. Attack the issue, not the person. Name-calling
puts people in a position to respond angrily and defensively. This is
usually used when a person feels he is losing. Name-calling breaks down
communication and destroys trust in the relationship.
7. Take a breather by paraphrasing what you think you heard them saying.
“I understand you want to tell me about your day but I need a few
minutes to finish what I am doing.” This gives you time to think about
your response.
8. Focus on solving a problem/reaching a solution rather than venting your anger or winning a victory. Think win-win.
9. Deal with one issue at a time. No fair piling
several complaints into one session. Some people call this
“kitchen-sinking” – talking about everything including the kitchen sink!
10. Limit your discussion/fight to no more than 30 minutes.
Adults have relatively short attention spans – just look at television
programming to confirm this. Long drawn out discussions/fights rarely
reach resolution. Instead they just wear the participants out. And when
you are worn out, the potential of saying or doing something you’ll
regret is much greater. If you are unable to solve your problem in the
30 minutes that you’ve allotted, schedule another time to continue.
11. Brainstorm solutions. Be willing to compromise. Give a little to get a little.
12. Go forth as equals. Don’t use power plays. Gauge
the intensity of your anger to the ego strengths of the other person
and be responsible with the things your mate has entrusted to you in
your relationship. YOU ARE ON THE SAME TEAM.
13. When necessary, take a time-out. A time-out is a
short break to cool off, calm down and get perspective. Think of it
like pushing the pause button on a video. It’s an opportunity to restore
calm and be more reflective instead of reactive. Use the time-out to
reflect on why you feel the way you do and how to express yourself in a
positive way. Try to think about the other person’s feelings and point
of view. Think things through before you speak. Then “push play” again
and return to each other to resolve the issues calmly. A time-out
should be at least a half-hour long (but no longer than twenty-four
hours). It takes at least a half-hour for your body’s physiology to
return to a normal resting state and for your thoughts to become less
hostile or defensive. It’s surprising how different a person’s outlook
can be after they’ve had a chance to calm down.
14. Give each other the ability to withdraw or change their mind.
15. Speak softly. If you and your partner have a natural tendency to raise your voice, try whispering.
16. Identify and Define your issue or topic, and stick to it! Don’t
change the subject or bring in unrelated items. If you have a
different item you’d like discuss, save it for the next discussion.
17. Hold hands. (We are not fighting each other, but talking over a problem we are mutually trying to resolve. )
18. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A
question should never begin with the word “why.” That puts people on the
defensive — and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather
than continues it.
DON’T:
1. Don’t Refer to past mistakes and incidences. No garbage-dumping!
2. Don’t Blame. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements which automatically blame, making the other person defensive.
3. Don’t make comparisons to other people, stereotypes, or situations.
4. Don’t play games. A game is being played when
you are not being straight about your feelings, and when you are not
being direct and honest about what you want or need in a situation.
Examples of games are; poor me; silent treatment; martyr; don’t touch
me; uproar; kick me; if it weren’t for you…; yes, but…; see what you
made me do; and if you loved me…
5. Don’t involve other people’s opinions of the situation
(e.g.: “John’s mother agrees with me.”) The only opinions which are
relevant are those of the two attempting to communicate at the time.
6. Don’t make threats (e.g., “Do this or else!”).
Threats back people into a corner and they may choose the ultimatum in
order to save face. You may find later you really do not want to carry
out your threat.
7. Don’t demand to win. If you do, your discussion will surely become an argument.
8. Don’t say “always” and “never”. (“You always…”
“You never…”) These are usually exaggerations and will put the other person on the defensive.
9. Don’t interrupt, talk over or make comments while
the other person is speaking. Watch your non-verbal expressions too.
Rolling eyes, smirking, yawning etc. all work against fair fighting.
10. Don’t walk away or leave the house without saying to your partner, “I’ll be back”.
11. No finger pointing.
12. Don’t save up feelings and dump them all at once, try to air feelings often.
13. Try not to yell.
14. No talk of Divorce. In the heat of an argument,
threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It
creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to
resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your
commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is
broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem
much bigger than they need to be.
13. Don’t read your partner’s mind.
14. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.
15. Don’t use the following: swearing, denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm, or taunting.
16. Do not assume, guess, imagine, take for granted,
theorize, surmise, speculate, make gestures, judgments, funny glances or
faces about what your partner means. Find out!
17. No belittling each other’s accomplishments. No matter how small or odd they may be.
18. Don’t be afraid to apologize when you are wrong. It shows you are trying.
19. Don’t argue about details. Avoid exchanges like, “You were 20 minutes late,” “No, I was only 13 minutes late.” (An easy way to distract from the problem.)
This #marriagemonday and the many to follow, try to take your arguments in stride. Don't feel ashamed or alone in the fact that you and your spouse are not in agreement 100% of the time. We are all dealing with our own personal struggles. There are times that we can't comprehend the feelings and reasoning behind the actions of our spouses.
Good luck in your fighting. Remember to keep it fair. Take it back to the love and spark that started it all- way back when you both promised you'd never turn out like you have! It's okay to admit things aren't the way you want them to be. It's okay to admit that you're not getting along. It's okay that things aren't ALWAYS perfect. No one can say that they NEVER fight!
Love your spouse this week. I'm going to work hard to notice the amazing things that he does every single day instead of the one or two things he happens to miss. That's what I'm going to do ... what about you?
Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.
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