#MarriageMonday: A Letter To My Husband

Dear Hubby,

I call you 'hubby' not because that's our special nickname or because it has any significance. I call you 'hubby' because every time I tried to call you on the phone, other 'Tim's' popped up. I was tired to having to scroll to the right 'Tim' and so I renamed you. Just like that- after all this time, I gave you a new name!

Let's talk about ALL this time. Where did the time go? What in the hell happened to us? It seems like just yesterday you were chasing me down the halls of the first school we worked at together. You might tell that story different- but we both know it's true. You knew you couldn't live without me.

I suppose if we get honest . . . I couldn't live without you either. I just had no idea where we'd end up.

So here we sit many years down the road, four kids later, making even more adjustments to our life.

We have been beyond blessed to have only the normal stressors of marriage. There haven't been any major health or wealth problems. There's been no infidelity or deep dark secrets. We've been damn lucky.

However, we have also worked really hard. There's been lots of 'talks'. I know in these 'talks', I talk A LOT. You've even mentioned a time or two that I beat a dead horse. Non-the-less, it's work.

Today we head down a different path. You're off to a new job. The one thing that has stayed consistent in our life together is change. Change has continued to occur often and I have continued to struggle with it.

Yep . . . I'll admit it! I very much dislike change. I'm not a first born or a Type A personality. But, I certainly like my ducks all in a row. I like to prepare and anticipate what is coming. I like to be in control!!!!

This last week has been a little shaky. Irritation could be used as an understatement and the tension certainly could have been cut with a knife. I've been short, snippy and edgy. I know this. Below is what I really meant to say instead of glaring and yelling at you most of the weekend!

Dear Hubby,

I love you. I'm beyond proud of you. You are an amazing man- your work ethic, parenting and wife-caring skills are untouchable. I can take you anywhere. Your charisma and charm mold you to any situation. While you suck at dealing with death or uncomfortable situations, your inappropriate jokes are always a hit. You're consistent- a constant among all the change. You're a rock; a solid voice of reason for so many. You're genuine, real and honest. You're caring! And . . . you're freaking funny (though you used to be way funnier when I was younger!).

As we maneuver the new path we are headed down, there's not another co-pilot I'd rather have. You can count on my special 'crazy' staying around (I know I'm a control-freak!), but I'll work on my glaring! Keep on keeping on hubby of mine. I'm so lucky to have you!

Lots of love forever and always,
Wifey

P.S. I love you to the moon and back 10,000 times (even if Raina only loves you 16 . . . I've got to be someone's favorite!).

If only we could all use our words just a smidge better. What would marriages be like if we could actually say what we were feeling? What if we could control our behaviors to avoid assumptions and judgments?

Does your spouse know how you feel about a current situation you're in? Have you taken time to communicate? If you're over-due like I was . . . don't stress. Seize the moment and do it now! Send a text, make a call, write a note. Our marriages are certainly worth the work!

#MarriageMonday

Communicate today

 #taketime #sayhowyoufeel 

Show appreciation

#stopglaring #dokindthings 

Stay calm

 #expectchange #deepbreaths

 

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#MarriageMonday: Why Are You Acting Like a Child?

You might assume that my title is referring to my husband! I often get asked what it's like to raise five kids instead of four (he is such a fun-loving soul that he gets mistaken for a child). However, when I ask, "Why are you acting like a child?", I am referring NOT to him, BUT TO ME!

Yes, ME!

There are moments in our marriage when I act like anything but an adult. Full-blown, stomping my feet, tantrums.

I've blogged and written several stories about the difficult times in my parenting. The 'real' times when I feel as small as a pea. The moments when I have been yelled at, hit, or been embarrassed beyond belief.

The other day it occurred to me . . . they act just like I do. YIKES!

My husband went fishing last week. The kids really did quite well. There was a moment though, on Saturday afternoon before he got home that my seven-year-old had a major melt-down. The kind of melt-down that makes you run through the house making sure all the windows and doors are closed so no one else knows just how crazy your house can get! It ended with, "I wish you weren't even here. I WANT DAD!"

It occurred to me that her screaming, hitting, throwing, etc. was her way of saying, "I miss dad."

For years after my husband would return home from his week-long trip, I would find myself being crabby, more silent and very difficult to be around. I couldn't explain why I acted like I did and I certainly didn't like my behavior. I just couldn't get myself to stop.

I realized as I was watching my struggling child- my behavior was like that because I had missed my husband and worried about his safe return. All that pent up emotion was released- just not in the loving way I had hoped. All those years I acted just like a young child trying to express my big emotions.

When words are not expressed, behavior is a sure way to share our emotions. Most times, though, the behavior is not favorable.

Marriage is at it's best when words are shared often and honestly. Marriage is most successful when we communicate in positive ways. Marriage will win if forgiveness is given freely for the times we fail to 'use our words'.

Thank goodness for forgiveness! I am one lucky lady. My childish antics wouldn't be tolerated by many . . . though I can't say it's all bad that I was acting like the child pictured. We are certainly more alike than I would have ever cared to admit. Turns out she and I both have a large part of her daddy's heart!

This week look deep into your marriage. When do you struggle to be the spouse you want to be? What words are difficult for you to share? What behaviors are you hoping to improve?

Keep fighting the good fight. Great marriages don't just happen. Put in the work. Put in the time. And, don't forget- put in the words!

#MarriageMonday

Childish behaviors happen when #words are missing #communicate

We all mess-up #forgiveoften

#GreatMarriage= #talk #actinlove

 

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#WeekendWonder: Does Doing Less Give You More?

Whether it's work or play- I've always had a hard time slowing down. I tend to say 'yes' to too much. My motto was always, "It's only . . . ".

It's only an hour a week.
It's only one more thing.
It's only on the weekend.
It's only for a short time.

It's only . . .

When you add up all the 'it's only' things you commit yourself to, one has to wonder how much joy you might be missing.

I've always used the excuse that it's helping someone or something. There's always a reason for the 'it's only'. BUT, I'm learning- no, I'm trying . . . to do less and care more.

The funny thing about slowing down is that there isn't much 'proof' that you've accomplished anything in your day. The house isn't spotless, an agenda isn't complete, a list isn't checked off. There is no tangible way to show that doing less gives you more joy.

However, in slowing down- I've noticed more. I've watched more. I've sat longer. I've allowed time to not fly by in the midst of a crazy schedule.

I won't lie and tell you that I am living in total bliss. I lost it just yesterday (and the day before!). BUT- my blow-ups and melt-downs aren't as frequent and don't last quite as long. The lectures are shortened, the looks aren't quite as intense and I've even laughed once or twice!

Certainly we all need to do our part in order to help our communities survive and even thrive. Our kids still need to be active and involved. Sometimes, though, I found the stress of our schedule affected me in an unhealthy way.

So for a short window of time this summer I am going to strive to do less and care more. I know I will still yell; forget to count my blessings; get annoyed . . . I'll forget. But I will try not to!!!!!

How about you? Is the craziness of life getting in the way of your appreciation? We can only look into our own lives. Comparisons and judgments will get us no where. For just this weekend- wonder if you're able to truly enjoy the blessings surrounding you and if not, try to decide what would make a difference for YOU!

Do a little less and care a little more!

#WeekendWonder

Does doing less allow you to care more? #taketime

Accomplishing tasks won't provide more #peoplewill

 Notice #smiles #awe #joy

 

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#MarriageMonday: How's Your Tree Growing?

Strong soil.

Sun.

Water.

Air.

These are the ingredients that it takes to make a tree grow. Without even one, the tree will not continue to blossom every year.

I sat out on my front porch last night and caught a glimpse of our tree. It's only ten years old, so it's no monster. BUT, it is beautiful. It is strong. It is continuing to blossom year after year.

When our tree started out, it was barely a twig. When a strong wind came up, I remember worrying it would come right out of the ground. And shade? Well let's just say that there may have been a small Barbie that could have found shade in our original baby tree.

The beauty in our front yard is like our marriage story; each limb and leaf holding a memory of our years together. And the roots of our tree now . . . deep, thick and sustaining life.

Marriages begin with love. There is hope and anticipation. But the roots of our marriage aren't there just because we say, "I do!". Each interaction, struggle and memory strengthen our 'tree'. The good, the bad and the ugly define the shape of our growing relationship.

While our tree is representative of the marriage, it is critical to recognize that two people come together to make it whole. If half the tree dies, the rest will not survive.

We must encourage our spouse to do what he/she loves to do in order to keep our tree thriving. We each need to bring our best self to the marriage and we cannot do that if we are not happy.

Recognizing each other's strengths.

Accepting one another's limitations.

Compromising to show compassion to our spouses.

Encouraging our partners to do what they love.

These are the ingredients to making our marriages as strong as an aging tree.

This week my husband is long gone to Canada. He is doing what he loves. Some people think I'm crazy to 'let' him go away for a week each year. I think I'd be crazy NOT to encourage him to go. This is his passion- he deserves, no, he NEEDS, to do what he loves. He is a better version of himself when he gets to take time to do what he is good at and enjoys.

Staring at our tree last night I thought back to before we got married. I remember when my hubby first went away for a week. I missed him. I worried about him. But I didn't understand how strong I'd be with him and how intertwined we'd become. Our story is so different from that first trip- so much richer and deeper than I ever could have imagined. My love and worries are so different now.

Our marriages- all of our marriages will die off slowly, limb by limb, if we don't foster our spouses. We must give our marriages the best chance we can of survival. We must help our partners be the best they can be so that our roots, limbs and leaves will become big and strong; able to sustain hard times that will inevitably challenge our growth.

This week contemplate how your tree is growing. What challenges are standing in the way of adding an extra root? What can you do to foster your spouse and encourage him to do what he loves? How can you communicate your own needs better so your spouse is aware of your passion?

Marriage won't just grow.

Put in the time. Recognize your better half.

Appreciate his strengths. Accept her limitations. Compromise and show compassion. Most importantly . . . encourage him to do what he loves.

Step back. Appreciate the beauty in the tree the two of you have grown together!

#MarriageMonday

Marriage = Tree #storyofourlife

Each root, limb & leaf! Foster your marriage tree

#appreciate #accept

2 become 1

#encourage

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#WeekendWonder: Are You Putting Your Face In?

I got in.

I got wet.

What more could they want?

This season hasn't been the warmest for swimming. I'm not going to lie . . . I've LOVED it! Heat and I do not get along. And sitting at the pool baking for hours is not my favorite pastime (not to mention the fact that dressing in a swimsuit is less than flattering to this aging, saggy, four-kids-later body). But, the kids absolutely adore summer swimming.

The day I got in was a chilly and overcast day. Only three families were at the pool including ours. It was perfect. As a bonus, the water was quite warm (warmer than the air)!

My four-year-old is quickly learning the art of strong swimming. She's quite good. Her only downfall is her perfected doggy paddle. I am constantly barking, "Put your face in."

We were having a grand old time. I was swimming and pool was ours. "Put your face in," continued to come out of my mouth over and over to remind her to actually swim and perform some strokes.

My son looked at me as we were treading in the deep end, "Why don't YOU put your face in?"

My self talk was more than pathetic! "Well, son, this isn't my first rodeo. I know how to swim. I'm in the water, my hair is wet . . . what more do you want from me?"

Instead of spewing that non-sense at him, I simply stated, "I'm good, thanks!"

Thinking back on this interaction in the pool reminded me of so many areas in my life. Am I putting my face in? Am I fully participating in the blessings and activities around me? Or am I simply doggy-paddling my way to the edge just to get by; just to say that I did it?

This weekend take some time to wonder what your life would be like if you put your face in. Contemplate where you might need to take the plunge and get engrossed in the joy that is waiting for you.

Don't just float through the craziness of life. Jump in! Cannon ball. Dive! Whatever you do, PUT YOUR FACE IN!!!!! Love the life that is yours. Participate fully. Perfection is impossible, but if you're not even trying- happiness is unreachable.

Take time. Put your face in. Quit half-assing a million little things and put some effort into the important areas of your life. When you do this- your perfectly imperfect world will be as crystal clear as the pool!

#WeekendWonder

Are you fully participating in your life?

#jump #dive

Don't just float to the edge

#putyourfacein

Love your life

#itisuptoyou

 

 

 

 

 

 

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#MarriageMonday: Maybe It's YOU!

Marriage is . . .

Compromise.

Marriage is NOT . . .

Change.

Now, I'm no idiot. I know that life is one consistent change after another. I'm not talking about the twists and turns of life that create change.

Marriage is NOT changing someone to be who you want them to be!

Marriage is all about compromising and understanding your spouse's perspective. It is taking your spouse for who he is and loving him anyway. Compassion and care must be at the heart of your marriage if the two of you are going to thrive.

Think about if compromise and compassion were at the heart of your marriage. You wouldn't need to change any faults about your spouse because he/she would be compassionate about your needs and would compromise to make sure the both of  you could be happy.

What if we lived in a world of acceptance; understanding that we are all blessed with strengths and limitations. We can't change who we are. Certainly we can adapt and make small improvements to ourselves. BUT, again, each of us has specific strengths and obvious limitations that we were born with are a part of who we are.

It's easy in a marriage to start keeping score and to point fingers. Heck, this is easy in any relationship.

Instead of pointing your finger at your spouse- point it at yourself. Maybe compromise and compassion haven't been at the forefront or your decisions and reactions. Maybe your expectations are unfair or impossible for the person that you married.

Take time to reflect on the relationships in your life. Relationships with your spouse, friends, co-workers, children, etc. No matter who the relationship is with, there must still be compromise and compassion for the relationship to be a success. And you must take that person for who she is without trying to change her.

I'm lucky to have a partner in my marriage who knows my faults, understands my limitations . . . and loves me anyway! This week I will focus on ME! And ME only. I will strive to have all my reactions and make all decisions based on compromise and compassion. What a week it will be if I can do this!

Marriage is made up of two imperfect beings #accept

We cannot change a person #compromise

Lead with #compassion

Focus on YOU!

 

 

Please note: This blog is not intended for individuals who are in an abusive relationship. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, there is help. Contact 1-888-866-8660 or visit http://dhhs.ne.gov/behavioral_health/Pages/nebraskafamilyhelpline_index.aspx for support in Nebraska.

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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#MarriageMonday: The OTHER Man!

The OTHER man?

WHAT?

What kind of marriage blog starts with 'the other man'?

Well, I guess mine does!

This #MarriageMonday was inspired not by my husband, but by the little man in my life that I call a son. His little actions spoke BIG words about my marriage.

My hubby was working late last week and I took on the job of mowing. While it was the last thing I wanted to do- my hope was that if I took care of the mowing Monday night, I could enjoy a Tuesday night with my husband.

The line in the grass started looking a little squiggly . . . a little off. And the mower started steering itself. I got to the end of the lawn and looked back to see a distorted 'wife-mowing-the-lawn' line in our grass. Now, I often pride myself in my independence and ability to handle most tasks. This line in the middle of the yard signified defeat. I was NOT going to give up.

"Honey, I need your help. Come quick!"

He jumped off the trampoline and came running. "What do you need, mom?"

I explained my line and showed him the wiggly wheel. Certainly this faulty mowing was NOT just me!

He was off like a jet. My nine-year-old son ran to the garage to get the tools needed to fix the wobbly wheel screwing up my mowing.

He stumbled back with the big black box. He could hardly carry the darn thing, but trudged it along as if his life depended on it.

He walked me through which tool I'd need and how to tighten the wheel. He didn't shame me or act as though I was stupid. He helped me with such love- with such pride in his work. He smiled often and loved seeing my face as we fixed the mower with his guidance and knowledge.

You see . . . in that moment I fell more deeply in love with my husband. Even though 'the other man' was the one doing the work, it was because of what my son had witnessed and learned in his short life- FROM HIS DAD!!!!

This Monday- take time to see your spouse through the eyes of someone your spouse has impacted. Notice the strengths, gifts and talents that you so often take for granted. Forget all the little annoying habits and focus on what really matters!

I am an independent woman. But darn it- I LOVE to be taken care of. And my husband knows just the way to do it. Isn't it amazing that he's done such a wonderful job that now even 'the other man' in my life knows how to take care of me, too!

                                

                              

 #MarriageMonday

Take time to see your spouse through the eyes of others

#noticehisimpact

Forget nuances

 #noticehisstrengths

#noticehisgifts

 

 

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

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If Only . . .

If only.

What is your 'if only'?

More time? Money? Health? Love? Peace?

Have you ever thought, "I'd be so much happier if only . . ."?

It's hard to love the skin your in. It's difficult to take your life just the way it is. Our 'if only' list often wishes away the very essence of who we are. YET- we have all done it in one way or another.

How do we accept who we are and what our life has to offer, yet challenge ourselves to take full advantage of our blessings and strengths?

Life is hard. There are misunderstandings, misperceptions and a whole lot of other crap. Death. Divorce. Illness. Cruelty. Violence. How to we sift through the shit to find the treasures?

The 'It's Okay' philosophy came about because of three feelings . . . Guilt. Judgment. Inadequacy. It is time to reconnect with the very reason I started writing years ago. Whether these feelings are holding you back, or a million other feelings- it's time to start fresh.

We can't tackle our life like a checklist. We are not one 'if only' away from happiness. Happy times are available if we can clear the murky water long enough to see them.

Whatever pain is lingering inside you, whatever struggle is holding you down, whatever challenge is taking over your life . . . you are NOT alone.

Instead of your 'If Only' list, try this list instead!

1. Reach out to a special friend in your life.
2. Hug someone you love for an extra long squeeze.
3. Do something kind for someone struggling.
4. Find your happy place (if only for a second).
5. Love you for you- JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!

May happy times be with you this week. May challenging roads not seem so steep. May loved ones surround you and remind you how amazing you are (even without your 'if only' list!).

 

Forget your 'If Only . . ." list!

Take charge of your happiness.

#loveyouforyou

#surroundyourselfwithlove

#findsmalltreasures

Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.  
 

Visit www.itsokaybooks.com to learn more!

 

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