One of the chapters in my book, It's Okay: Let's Get Real About This Thing We Call Parenting, is all about the disgusting, revolting, gut-wrenching fluids that make up parenting. I think it's ironic that we start and end our life in diapers ... what's the luck?
It's safe to say that before you become a parent, you have no idea what awful things you are going to encounter. The worst of all these things has to do with the three P's! Pee, poop and puke. Only as a parent, it's not your pee, your poop or your puke. The little person that used to be the most precious, sweet smelling thing you've ever laid your nose on is now producing fluids that look and smell like they come from a grown man.
I once got a picture sent to me on my phone of the most beautiful diamond ring ... covered in slimy, brownish-green poop! How does it happen? I mean, I know, shit happens, but WHY does it happen when you least expect it to and when you are least prepared?
Last week, I was lucky enough to have a day full of pee. I say lucky, because I know that it could have been much worse had it been poop or puke. It all started when I just needed to pick up copies from a local print shop (I won't mention the store name to save myself a little pride). Anyway, my little one napped right up until the moment I needed to pick up my preschooler. And from there, we zip straight to the elementary school to pick up my older two children. There was really no time for a diaper change and it didn't matter because, like I mentioned, this was a 'quick' trip.
Well, after dealing with my karate-chopping angry preschooler, I managed to start the van. You see, it was one of the first beautiful days of spring and our neighbor girl asked my oldest daughter to go to the park. I just needed to pick up some copies and then we were planning to meet up with them. I sent my oldest away, only to have my four-year-old freak out about not being able to go. I dealt with her fit the best way I could and convinced her that the copy shop would be a treat!
We made it to the store and I instructed the children to take a book in with them. It would only be a minute and there is a table right by the check out counter, so they could read their books while I got my papers. Easy enough, right? Well, that four-year-old was still pretty pissed off at me and was going to anything but sit and read (or anything except what I wanted her to do). She was pounding on a computer. The other two were reading, so I decided to ignore.
There was someone in front of me and then two other documents of mine still had to be printed. I had a $10 off coupon that I presented to the woman. All this is happening while the one-year-old tired of reading her book and decided to pound on the computer next to the computer her sister was pounding on. I decided I could apologize later for any damage they had done ... I just needed the damn copies. It was then that my bill totaled $27.30. In order to save the $10, I had to spend $30. So, in my quick haste, I said I was going to grab a printer cartridge. We had been out of colored ink for well over two months (which was why I was there in the first place), so I checked on the kids again and jetted to grab the cartridge.
When I returned, I noticed there was a puddle on the chair where my one-year-old had been sitting prior to pounding on the computer she was currently at. There was also something all over the floor below. Shit ... well, not shit, but definitely pee. The woman was still working on my bill, so I quickly ran over and tied my daughters coat around her waste (we didn't need to make any bigger of a scene that we already were). I then instructed my seven-year-old to find out where a bathroom was and get me some paper towels.
He returned just as I was finishing my payment. Phew. Made it. Cleaned up the pee and headed out the door. The computers looked to still be functioning, we only ran into two people as we were heading out the door, my daughter only broke one of the two sliding doors (she was still pissy and waited until we were out and the sliding door had closed before she rammed into it trying to get it to open more quickly ... the store clerk was very nice and assured me he could fix it) and to make myself feel better about it all ... my mantra became ... "pee is sterile, pee is sterile, pee is sterile."
Note to new parents- change your damn kids diaper when he/she wakes up from a nap. Note to parents with four children (myself included)- quit being so damn lazy and cheap and change your kids diaper after nap, even if he/she doesn't feel that wet!
Oh, and to top the pee off that day, my four-year-old came in around 2:00am. She had wet the bed. Actually, she had deposited about eight gallons of pee in her bed and her entire room reeked of urine. It wasn't even one of those that you can throw a towel over and clean up in the morning or one where you can salvage the blanket they sleep with every night. Oh now, the pillow, along with 80% of the bed, her comforter and blanket were completely soaked.
Another note to new parents- have your four-year-old go to the bathroom before bed. And a note to parents with multiple children- just because your daughter pees before bath time, don't be so damn annoyed with the bedtime routine that you skip the most important part of having her pee again.
Do you have a good poop, pee or puke story that cannot go untold? Tell it! Write it out and e-mail me at teresa.hamilton@itsokaybooks.com or go to my website and click on the 'share your story' tab. Your story will be sent directly to my e-mail. No names are used and my second book already has some great stories about the three P's! Don't miss your chance to get your amazing dirty story told!
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