There was a moment that occurred today that I do not want to forget. It was not an 'it's okay' moment that left me mortified or feeling like I need to confess. It was not a moment that was ruined by feelings of guilt or inadequacy or judgment. It was a moment that I need to write down and plaster all over my house to remind me that moments of glory DO occur. In these moments of glory, I wonder why it's so easy to forget the good times and get so overwhelmed by the bad times.
"Mom, I'm really going to miss doing this with you next year when I'm in kindergarten."
What? What? I wanted to say, "Are you feeling okay?" I wanted to inquire about what happened to my maniac five-year-old that not ten minutes earlier was sticking her tongue out at me and covering her ears when I tried to talk. I wanted to preach about how all year I have been trying to enjoy our time together, knowing that we wouldn't have forever. But, I didn't do any of that. I got caught up in the amazing moment that my usually infuriating child created for me.
I was almost brought to tears. I was speechless. The remainder of the walk to the park left me pondering. My aunt once told me, "You know the days are long, but the years are short." Boy isn't that true. This year has flown by. If I think back to my days ... my many days filled with 'it's okay' moments, I know that I did not always appreciate the time I was blessed with (and some days, I may have even wished it to be gone). The year is over. It went so fast. I'm left with wonderful memories and have a difficult time picking out all the tough days. But, I remember many of the days when I didn't fully appreciate the year I was given.
When we were in the car a while later, I just had to know more. "So you've enjoyed our year together? You're really going to miss me next year when you're in kindergarten?"
"Mom, we've done a LOT of fun stuff this year." She said this while 'reading' a paper she picked up on one of our errands. "I'm sad that we won't be able to do more fun stuff, but my teachers will need me to do a lot of learning."
I made sure to take time to express my gratitude for her comment. I gushed about how it made my day (which was not a lie). I reminded her of how I know we sometimes have a hard time getting along, but how I love her so much. I continued with comments about her special attributes ... her beauty, her strength, her spunk, her smarts! It was then that it registered, "Yeah, I am smart."
The last few weeks I have struggled a little with my identity. This has happened a few times over this past year. It's not always there, but occasionally I get a feeling that I'm not being a productive member of society. This sounds so silly, but unfortunately it is how I feel. I know it's not true. I do a very important job every day in raising my children. It's just that there are days when I know my only job is to be a mother, and when your not doing your mom job as well as you want or as good as you think you should, there is no where else to turn. There is no other job to get affirmation from. No checklist that needs to be complete.
So, in these minor struggles that have been occurring, I'm left with a new moment. It is etched in my brain (at least for tonight). I plan to write it down on ten pieces of paper when I am done here and tape it all over my house. My daughter remembers our year. My daughter loved our year. My daughter told me with the most sincere voice and expression that I made the right decision in staying home with her. She will never know that's what she really said to me ... but, today, in that moment, I know being home this year with my kids was the best thing I could have ever done.
While this year was very short and many, many days were very long; at least I have it! Struggles and all, I have it!
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