Honesty is the best policy ... most of the time.
Our spouses, the ones we vowed to love until 'death do us part' have feelings. They are human and will struggle just like us. We can't expect perfection, but we must communicate lovingly about our expectations.
Have you ever had a disagreement, argument or down and dirty dog fight over miscommunication?
Last spring my grandmother passed away. I was supposed to read at the funeral. The morning of the dreaded miscommunication started because my husband thought our family needed to be at the church by 9:00 am.
First there was the knock at the door. My sister had come calling for my mom's keys. My hubby had moved her car the night before and she thought he still had them. Standing behind the door (in his underwear), my husband tried to explain that he had given the keys to my other sister.
The kids were so excited to see their aunt, that our madness in trying to get ready turned into complete chaos. My sister (who thought my husband was joking about being in his underwear) came through the door.
After some back and forth between rooms and hallway running by my children, the keys were found.
My already irritated husband was trying to load the car with the 'help' of our eight-year-old. Keys were missing once again, but this time they were ours.
There were nasty glares shared, huffs and puffs, and I'm pretty sure some foul language. Finally, we made it to the parking lot (mind you- I'm leaving out a LOT of joy created when getting four children ready in a small-town motel room).
We offered to take my dad with us (he was extremely sick and didn't even know if he could make it through the funeral). He was toughing it out so he could make it to his mother's funeral while trying to deal with his own spousal issue ... his very late wife.
As we were driving to the funeral, I couldn't understand why my husband was being such an ass. After all, it was my grandmother who had passed, it was my father who was sick and barely moving AND I had to read in front of a church full of people in a matter of an hour. I didn't even know where I was supposed to go when I got to the church, when I was reading or what exactly to expect.
I tried to communicate lovingly with my husband. This only pissed him off more.
"I HATE when you talk to me in that voice. It's so patronizing."
My response was even calmer than before so I could irritate him further. "Honey, I don't understand why you are so upset."
"UPSET? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE NOT MORE UPSET."
Again, staying calm. "What do you mean?"
"YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR THE READING."
I looked at the clock with a little panic. We still had 45 minutes to spare before mass started. I explained lightly, "I don't have to be there until 9:30."
"9:30? Ugh. Well, why the hell have you been so worked up then?" My husbands tone was as soft and sweet as ever.
From Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in about .02 seconds. Relaxed. Calm. Almost humming to a kind and friendly beat.
Are you kidding me? How on earth do you communicate with that?
In all seriousness, though, he was angry and frustrated out of concern for me. While he had a HORRIBLE time communicating that he was worried about me being late for my grandmother's funeral, his care was genuine.
It's funny how we respond to life. It's even funnier to be able to watch our spouses respond to life. Neither of us is going to do it right 100% of the time. Heck, we probably aren't going to do it right 25% of the time.
We get to see the very worst part of our other half and they get to see the worst part of us. And, yet, we love each other anyway.
Communication will continue to be a struggle, but marriages will only be as strong as the willingness from the two involved to try to understand each other. Our words must be truthful, but they must also be as loving as they can be.
We will mess-up. We will fail to communicate how we really feel. It's okay. We just can't stop trying.
This week, as you are communicating, be willing to see the other person's point of view. Be willing to find the care and concern that must be behind their emotions. Be as truthful and honest as you can while still being loving and kind. Share and share some more. Communication is key and it takes practice, practice, practice.
“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Enjoy the journey you have been blessed with, love the people in your life, smile :) and remember, 'It's Okay'.
Visit www.itsokaybooks.com to learn more!
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